Flightless Bird

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Sat, 28 Nov 2009 23:24:01 GMT

"It makes me really sad to hear him asking if they've "picked up anyone yet", because... well, he was thinking his son was in HUGE trouble, but he didn't realize he was about to lose his son completely. "

-Eric's father talking to 911 operators.

I was up till 6 AM last night, stalking every Columbine board on the internet. I have compiled a folder 362 MB full of video and audio and text documents of, well... you know.
And it keeps growing. There are 11,000 pages of documents known as the Columbine Report. Why, yes, I DO intend on reading all the pages. It's mainly just testimonials and the like, but there is the occasional gem, like the little insights from Dylan's parents. Dylan took French for three years. Sue Klebold (his mother) said she saw him cry only one time (during childhood, I mean). He came home, crying quietly, and went into his room, pulled out a box of stuffed toys, and buried himself underneath the toys, falling asleep. Those things really stuck out to me. And that stuff is easily accessible, if people just took twenty minutes to read it. So many harsh judgments...

I'm having a harder time writing now. I think I've begun to see them as the killers they were, and not boys that my love could have saved.

"People don't usually understand just how psychopathic Dylan was. This was a child who was so mentally lonely, depressed, and obsessive, that he had conceived an imaginary entity that he believed only existed in the afterlife, and that his journey in life was dedicated to finding it."

And that has never sounded more truer than it does today, after all my weeks of research.

I liked writing my story. It gave me something to look forward to. I felt free when I wrote it, thinking, "so what if I sound conceited? So what if this is all bullshit that won't matter four months from now?" I let myself take solace in the fact that what I was doing was normal. But when I hit around 36 pages, the realization hit me: I'm writing about serial killers and how I try to make their lives better, with the constant knowledge of what they were capable of. I am ashamed.

But that doesn't mean I'll stop. I won't stop till I'm finished, and I'll finish when I'm done. And when I'm done... I'll know it. I'll have nothing left to say, nothing left to want and my own opinion will be discovered. And it will end. What will I do with the document? Who knows. Maybe delete it. Stick it on a CD, let it collect dust or use it as a coaster, or let it sit in my computer where it will go unread.

And the more I read, the more I find myself switching sides. Here, I find myself siding with the killers.

"On this day, my precious daughter, Rachel Joy Scott, would be cruelly martyred for her faith in Jesus Christ and go to heaven."

That's NOT what happened.
If this nit wit had the courage to fucking READ, or to open her fucking EYES, she would know that there was no target. Shooting, shooting, shooting. A round. There were 188 total rounds fired. 121 from Eric, 67 from Dylan. It was random shooting. Your daughter was a wonderful person. I am absolutely sure of it. But to think that she was targeted simply because of her faith is doing only one thing: creating a sense of peace in your mind. You only want to believe that she had reason to die. And maybe she did.

You just have to keep digging.
Imagine yourself everywhere.

Voice Post

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 04:15:39 GMT

this is how i go to sleep.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 05:07:11 GMT

I put on my snuggie. I lie down. I pull the sheet over me. I pull a softy blanket over me. I get comfortable. I snuggle my teddy and think about things that made me happy in the day, or I pretend I can fly, or I make up nice stories for myself.

I'm gonna go do that now. :D
P.S - Doesn't George look ADORABLE in the mood icon?!

life is not being kind...

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:09:27 GMT

I did something I told myself I would never do, and now I'm hiding it away from everyone... I'm scared someone will see and judge me, or think I'm someone different than who I really am. I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone and I don't want to, either. I'm happy now because of what I did, and that's all that matters.

Just had to get that off my chest.

you don't need to worry about this.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 04:49:33 GMT

~~• Apple juice / other tasty drink.~~
• Straighten hair.
• Physics problems.
• Sleep.
• Pre-Cal / Physics tutorials.
• School.
• Take Jeramy to Dad's.
• Tell Dad the plans. (Tater spending the night, etc.)
• Drive to Vandergrift, get Tater.
• Go downtown, drop off Jbles, get ticket.
• Wait in line for show, visit Kelsey.
• Have fun at show. (Yes, this is an order.)
• Take Corrie and Tater to Dad's.

And that is how tomorrow is going to be.

Voice Post

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:31:29 GMT

here's a riddle:

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:50:15 GMT

What is seventeen years old, never does anything interesting, has no friends, isn't really funny and smells bad? The corpse in my basement.

Ha ha. I meant me, but it's not very funny. Well I thought it was, but... you know.

So if you couldn't tell by my mood theme and frequent choice of music; I am obsessed with THE BEATLES! Greatest band ever, in my opinion. Yeah, yeah I've said that about how many bands now? I am amazed. I can't think of much else to say about them. Here's my top five favorite Beatles songs right now:

1.) I'm Looking Through You
2.) Help! (Single, I know... Rightly so!)
3.) Blackbird
4.) Girl
5.) Do You Want to Know a Secret?

Gee, just thinking about these makes me really happy. Anyway, I'm going to see Jemina Pearl tonight, and we're gonna be BFF's. It'll be wicked rad.

well.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 04:19:01 GMT

shit sucks lately. just thought i'd pop in on a sour note, whine about shit and go on.
but i realize i'm too lazy to even whine properly.
pretend i'm whining.
night.

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 04:17:05 GMT

So I'm sitting in my bed, just kind of thinking and I realize I miss Matt. He was so conventional and boring in a sense, but still, I think that may have been what was so nice about him. I remember the first time we hung out at my house, we watched Saw, and I was wearing my gray Clandestine jeans, my gray Fall Out Boy hoodie and my hair was boring and I just felt like a hot mess. But I put my head in his lap and he told me I looked cute and my heart just exploded.

And he remembered what my favorite movie was, and he remembered what I was scared of and he talked with me on the phone for an hour when I got scared of the lizard invading my house.

And then we watched that HORRIBLE movie Watchmen and his mom and brother were there, so we couldn't really cuddle or anything, but we held hands and then we were alone out by my car and it was so nice to just talk to and be near someone who cared for me.

And the last time we were intimate... God I hate that word, but it's the only way I can say it and sound classy. (If that's possible.) He had just gotten home from Schlitterbahn and he wanted to see me, so I told my mom I'd be home before 11 and I drove over to his house. We chilled in front of this lady's house until she came out and STARED at us. It was pretty funny. So we walked over to my car and picked up where we left off. We stayed there until almost one in the morning... My mom never even noticed. And that was the night he told me he loved me. I told him to take it back. And regrettably, I told him about the guy I loved since freshman year. (I didn't tell him I still loved him, of course.)

And the last day we hung out was the sweetest day ever. We went to the mall, filled up my tires with air and went to this park near the CC and talked on a park bench. And that was the last time we hung out. Last time we really talked, either.

But that's okay now. I'm done with him and it's safe to say I moved on. I'm still in love with the same guy, and that's alright with me. I think I'll love him until the day I die, and I don't care how cliche I sound anymore.

Oh and PS, I'm wearing a Snuggie.

praise be to krishna.

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 07:13:30 GMT

I need to type this up before I forget what happened. Zac's (Panic's security guard) was tweeting Brendon, and the two appeared to be in a spat. In Zac's last tweet, he left a number, claiming it was Brendon's phone number. I got VERY excited and texted it saying "Sucks dude. Inbox is gonna get flooded. XD Hello from Texas!" When I got a text back, I was (needless to say) EXTREMELY excited. Granted it only said "quien eres" (Spanish for 'who is this'), I still felt wicked rad for texting BRENDON URIE. I texted back "no comprende seneor" trying to be cute or something. I got my BFF Nicole to call the number and she told me it was voice mail. I called and got a Mexican man. Apparently, in my excitement, I typed in a wrong number and had been texting some Mexican dude. No text from Bden for me. So Nicole and I called the number and it turned out to be a SayNow account. We left an enthused and amusing message, in the hopes that someone from that glorious group of boys will reply to me.

They probably won't but we can always dream, and I dream the things that never were and I say "why not?" And from previous experience, there doesn't always have to be a "why not".

love is

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 04:28:27 GMT

Love is promising to be there for someone, no matter what time it is. Love is meaning that you'll be there. Love is actually showing up and helping. Love is sitting patiently and listening. Love is listening to problems. Love is listening to the triumphs. Love is never wishing to be anything. Love is the support you need to get through the day, and the thing you need most when you get home. Love is relentless. Love is not excuses. Love is happiness. Love is everything. Love is special. True love does not come once a year. True love doesn't happen every decade. It happens once a life time, if you're lucky. And I am that lucky. I have found true love. But true love doesn't wait, and true love can't always be reciprocated. And for me it just won't.

"Love is old, love is new. Love is all, love is you."

COBRA!

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 19:38:09 GMT

Cobra was WELL fun! I got there around 9, and waited in the sun ALL. DAY. I saw Ryland, Vicky-T and Alex a bunch of times. Nate came off the bus to drop off his laundry and he was wearing the same type of hat I was wearing! I know, I sound really geeky, but Jesus that man could NOT be any more attractive. In line, I met druscilla_way ! Exciting for me, cause I think she's wicked rad. So eventually it was time to go in. Me and Kelsey were front and center, as usual. Opening acts sucked, wanted to punch The Audition in the face, like, collectively. Bam. But then Cobra came on, played some old shit, pretty much nothing off the new record, but whatever. Kelsey got to dance on stage, it was fun watching her up there. Got two mad cool shirts, then got to my car to find out that it had been broken into and my stereo got ripped out and my wallet got stolen. Also, I got a parking ticket. :D Fun fun fun!

COBRA TOMORROW!

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 02:56:21 GMT

YEAH! Waking up at 7, getting downtown by 10. JFC, IL MY LIFE.

they can never find out secret hiding spot.

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 20:20:35 GMT

New Cobra Album came in the mail. I'm stuck on Fold Your Hands Child. I'm in love with this album, I feel like crying.

seven days makes one weak

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 15:30:57 GMT

Yeah, I spelled it like that for a reason. Matt hasn't talked to me for a week. I don't care if he's "just playing games", I deleted him on Facebook and I set my status to single. I called him last night and he said he was at dinner. Hasn't called me since.

I don't care. Consider this my unofficial-break-up-goodbye update. He was great while it lasted, I really liked him and he was cute and funny and interesting, but he was a player, there were too many things in the way and I couldn't handle it. I won't ever get back with him, because I don't want to look weak, but I think I'll always like him, and just accept what happened.

I have homework to do, best friends to go rant to and a life to live.

i need to vent.

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 06:45:48 GMT

This is the only place left for me to talk to without being judged. I guess I'm just a jealous person, and there's not much I can do to change myself. It's like that quote "You can't stop the wind, but you can change the sails." Yeah. I don't know, but I guess I'm just jealous of all the girls Matt hangs out with.

Most of his friends are girls, and I'm not the most attractive girl he knows, and it feels like he's just settling for me, like I'm the best he can get for right now, or I'm the only one that likes him. It bothers me, because I really do like him (I mean duh, I wouldn't still be with him if I didn't) and I always wonder if he really likes me.

Anyway, he got back from the beach, and I texted him today saying "Matty, I miss you, when can I see you?" and he said "Who is this?" Turns out he reset his phone and lost his contacts, so he didn't know it was me. But really, who else calls him Matty and says "I can't wait to see you"? Whatever, he said he was in class till eight, but he never texted back. I'm just gonna leave him alone until he wants to see me. He knows where I'll be.

humph.

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 05:14:31 GMT

I feel like making keysmash. ;seiurhtvn2i 5wyuh6n;azvwoi

Ok, there. Busy week. Dentist appointment tomorrow at 8:30. Tanning with Heni at 1, dinner with Matt at the Oasis. Orthodontist appointment on Thursday at 9:45, tanning with Heni around 1 again. Matt all day on Friday, dinner with Chris, Matt, Anthony Heni and possibly Dustin at Guadalajara. Saturday, work all day, Sunday, work all day.

I like Matt. A lot. He makes me smile when I have NOTHING to smile about. He makes me laugh. And OH. MY GOD. This is gonna sound really stupid, but he filled up my tires for me because he was "concerned." Then we went to Shakes and just sat there together. It was... amazing. This group of kids a little younger than us came over and the girls looked like real bitches and they kept staring at me and Matt. It bugged me, but I think they were jealous of me, cause Matt is UGH SO ADORABLE. </rant>

Night.

sick.

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 19:37:48 GMT

I feel literally sick. I had a dream last night, and I don't know why I feel as I do about it. It made me want things I've never wanted before. It made me realize that everything I love is gone. It made me wonder if what I dreamed was true, plausible, possible... the circumstances and the outcome. It made me realize that it's 100% okay to dream. And not in the figurative sense. It's okay to follow something blindly. Because once you get there, you are the one that decides if what you dreamed of was worth it.

And for me, it was always worth it to dream. But I think my dream last night was as close as I'll ever get to what I want.
There is no sense in dreaming anymore.

"In dreams, emotions are overwhelming."

Justin Long?

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 03:16:12 GMT

OK! Lots of updates. First off, Warped Tour was AMAZING. I went with my sister, Jeramy, Britney, Hannah, Becca, Kelsey, the other Kelsey, Megan and Nicole! The only bands I really saw were There For Tomorrow, Meg and Dia, A Rocket to the Moon, I Set My Friends on Fire and DANCE GAVIN DANCE! Yeah! They were SOOO GOOD. And then I got to meet them at their merch booth. :D Got really tanned, but also really burned.

Secondly, this is what I've been doing all summer. NOTHING. And it feels good. Basically, all I do is go to work, go to school, hang out with friends and that's about it. I feel really good about everything. Henrietta and I usually do stuff together, and then I meet some random buddies and we all go do stuff. I don't even know how to explain what a good time I'm having.

Thirdly, oh my god, about Panic at the Disco... I don't even really wanna talk about it, cause this is the most upset I've been about anything for a while, and it's such a huge blow... They've been a major source of inspiration, and now that Ryan's gone... the band will NEVER be the same... Yuck.

Fourthly, updates about Matt and my appearance have to share a cut. Haha. I've lost almost 20 pounds this summer, and I feel AMAZING. I've also gotten taller, my hair has gotten blonder, and (I hate to say this) but I'm gauging my ears. I think they'll look cute, and they won't be ridiculously big either, so if you're freakin'... just chill. So about Matt. He asked me out on the 24th, so I guess we've made it two weeks? I don't know, like when I think he can't get any cuter... he does. Ugh. We spent the Fourth of July together, and it was wonderful. We set off fireworks with my family, and he was to nervous to kiss me in front of my parents, so we just held hands. My dad let him set off some fireworks to. Then we went back to my house and we went swimming. It was fun for a while, cause no one as out here and we just swam and looked at the full moon and shit, but then my parents and my sister came in the pool. So we went in the hot tub. Heh heh... yeah. He made out with me in front of my parents. REALLY uncomfortable. But they didn't care, so neither did we.

Finally, my plans for July 15th/16th. Do not call me, do not text me, do not come to my house, do not try to talk to me at all. Do not ask me about this day, just leave me alone.

There, that should keep you filled for a couple days.

Voice Post

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:34:19 GMT

i have a boy frand.

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 06:27:12 GMT

His name is Matt. He goes to church. We have fun together. We went to see Up. (Super cute movie, by the way.) We held hands the entire time. He kissed me during the credits, and it was sweet. Tomorrow, I'm going to Zilker Park with Chris, a guy I work with. That night, I babysit Maci until the next day. I babysit her ALL FRIDAY. I spend the night again. Get up Sunday morning, go to work at 12, go to Matt's at 2:30, beat him at guitar hero, go back to work by four, work till 10, have a sleepover with Kelsey, my best friend. Full weekend, yes? Then Thursday is WARPED TOURRR!! Then Saturday I have a massive sleepover with Ashley, Lizzy and Jasmine. ;D Bye, kidlets.

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 03:15:20 GMT

UGH. I bought a shirt on eBay that I didn't have enough eFunds for, and now my Dad wans to eSlap me, cause he has to take care of everything. :[

Nice things: • DGD's new album is FUCKING AMAZING. Maybe my second favorite.
• The Denny's in San Antonio gets its own Denny's All Nighter for Warped Tour!
• DGD IS COMING TO THE DENNY'S!!

Good night, big stuff happening this weekend. ;D

i took it all back.

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 05:33:12 GMT

I was gonna post the beginning of my fan-fic, but decided against it. I'd rather say that my sister is a BITCH and I'm fucking tired of hearing her voice, seeing her face, and even thinking about being related to her. I'm going to work on my website, watch Spiderman, work on that fic, or read old posts about Steven. Obsess much?

whisper babe, i'm as good as it gets in this town.

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 08:13:22 GMT

I don't know if I want this enry public or not, but for now it's open. These are, without a doubt, the most personal thoughts I've shared online.

I've been listening to A Fever You Can't Sweat Out again. There are songs that I am in love with on that album; I Constantly Thank God For Esteban, Build God, Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered...
But the two real jewels are Camisado and Nails for Breakfast.
Jesus. Just typing the names makes me cry.
Ryan Ross put his thoughts and feelings and emotions into words, which he put to music, which he put in our heads, in our mouths, on our lips.
But so rarely does it make it into the heart.
By listening to the album again (particularly these two songs), I have put them there. And nothing can take them out again. I used to sing along, oblivious. And now it's wormed it's way into the ventricles and atriums and it's there to stay. So much so that I think I'd like a lyric tattoo. Perhaps under the sparrow on my foot. These few phrases WILL NEVER LEAVE ME.

"Sick and sad patients on first name basis with all the top physicians."
"The anesthetic never set in and I'm wondering where the apathy and urgency is that I thought I phoned in."
"It sure as hell ain't normal, but we deal."
"You're a regular decorated emergency."

I'm in love with Ryan Ross more and more each day.

because i have nothing better to do.

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:49:33 GMT

I will tell you all the tattoos I want and why I want them. Ordered by the order I want to get them in. #1: A tiny black heart in between my pinkie and ring finger on my left hand.

I've wanted this tattoo the longest, maybe since I was 11. Billie Joe Armstrong has a heart tattooed on his left middle finger, and even though I'm not a big Green Day fan now, I was when I was 11. They were the first band that inspired me to create music, and I can't thank them enough for that. I'd like to always remember the passion I've had for music, and the most permanent reminder is something tangibly permanent; a tattoo. Thanks, Green Day.

#2: A sparrow on my right foot.

I've also wanted this tattoo for a while. Johnny Depp was my first ~celeb crush, and he really got me into movies. He has this tattoo on his arm, but I want it on my foot because to me, a bird represents freedom, and if I have the symbol of freedom at my feet, who knows where I'll go? Johnny has a sun and waves in his tattoo, but I want mine without. Thanks, Johnny Depp.

#3: The Clandestine bartskull on my right shoulder.

Pete Wentz. Oh my god, I don't even know how or where to start. Since 2004-2005, I have been a dedicated Fall Out Boy fan, from the music, to the band, to the shows, to the merch, to the blah blah blahhh it's annoying. Don't care how cliché it sounds, but Pete Wentz saved my life. Not going into the details on that petty shit. But he has this "logo" (a combination of a bat, a heart and a skull) under his belly button. I want it very small on my shoulder. Like, a third the size of Pete's. Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thank you a million times, Pete Wentz.

#4: 210FOB on the inside of my lip.

210 is the area code of San Antonio, the first place I saw Fall Out Boy. And FOB is the abbreviation of Fall Out Boy, so yeah. This has stuck with me since I first saw them live. It was also the first concert I ever saw, and considering they are still my favorite band after all these years, I think that means something. The inside of my lip is literally touching me, and it always will, the same way that experience will always "touch" me. (If you couldn't tell, I hold things very symbolically.) Thank you, Fall Out Boy.

The end! Aren't you glad you read all that?!?!