This fascination has transcended the boundaries of curiosity. It's a borderline obsession. People who know me probably know that I would never hurt anyone, and I have never wanted to or even thought about it. However, I find myself absolutely entranced by the Columbine killings. I couldn't tell you a single reason why, but I want to know everything about Eric and Dylan, I want to know what their motives were, I want to know everything that went on inside their heads and I want to see everything. The pictures, the videos, the journals, the day planner... I want everything.

I guess the reason I'm so interested in Columbine in particular is that there were two killers, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. Virginia Tech, one killer. Simon's Rock, one killer. How is it that these two boys were able to have the same vision of killing everyone, and sustain that vision together for weeks, and be okay with taking their own lives at the end of it all? Is that what a true friendship is!? God save us all, if so.

Back to the problems I face while dealing with this delicate subject. I have grown so accustomed to getting on the internet and saving pictures of them, reading sites about them, dissecting conspiracies, analyzing the evidence left behind and wondering why two such bright promising futures were thrown away by the ones who held them.

The sad truth is that I will never be able to fully understand everything, and I'll never get to meet them, and the even sadder thing is... I want to. I want to meet the two people responsible for killing so many others in the primes of their lives. This is a disturbed train of thought my brain is riding and it's unstoppable at this point, I'm afraid.

Because I've had to literally pull myself away from my computer to try to start my homework. And I can't do it. I still keep searching them on the internet, saving pictures, and most of all, just thinking about them. What it would be like to know them. Who they liked, who they didn't, what they enjoyed doing, and what made them so different.

After all, they were just 17 and 18 year old kids! They looked perfectly normal, and they had their whole lives ahead of them. Maybe this is what interests me the most. Absolutely normal kids. Both of them had fun on prom night, 3 nights before the massacre.

It's getting late now, and I haven't done any homework and I'm thinking bad things, so I think I'll end this journal on my own terms, and jump the gun in saying: Don't ever judge people. Ever. The consequences can be hurtful to everyone. Imagine yourself everywhere.

So I had a dream last night that I went back in time somehow to 1999, a couple days before the Columbine shootings. (If you didn't know, I'm' somewhat obsessed with that whole thing. The killers, the circumstances, everything.) I went to Disneyland, or something like that, and I kept walking around. I looked in a corner and I saw Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris (Columbine killers) sitting there with two girls (their girlfriends).

I came up to them and I said hi, and for some reason, it seemed like they knew me, even though I never lived in Ohio and I would have been 7 at the time. I sat down in front of them and I started getting really upset and I was like, almost crying and I was like "I have to tell you guys something." They all turned to look at me and I started stuttering and I kept saying "You're, you're, you're" and they looked at me patiently and I eventually said "You're going to shoot up the school." They looked at me and each other, and their girlfriends and they started talking, and I think they believed me. I can't quite remember how they acted, because things faded out and the five of us were at an arcade or something.

Okay, the next part kinda makes me ashamed because I KNOW that these boys were terrible people, and they shouldn't have done what they did, but just remember it was a dream, OKAY?!

So Eric, his girlfriend and Dylan's girlfriend were playing Skee-Ball I think, and I was talking to Dylan and suddenly we just started making out. I was like, incredibly happy and I was like smiling and stuff and I totally forgot that he was bad, and he had a girlfriend and he was going to KILL people. AND HE'S NOT EVEN THAT ATTRACTIVE, JFC.

I pulled away and I said "Did you break up with your girlfriend?" and he was like "Ummm, no." And I go angry and I stormed away. And I didn't see him anymore for the rest of he dream.

So I stormed away and I was turning corners and walking around and I got lost, and then I saw Ashlee Simpson carrying Bronx! Pete was further behind her, and he looked old. :( I was trying to stay calm and I offered them my park map. So we all just kinda hung out and rode rides together and it was just... sweet.

I put on my snuggie. I lie down. I pull the sheet over me. I pull a softy blanket over me. I get comfortable. I snuggle my teddy and think about things that made me happy in the day, or I pretend I can fly, or I make up nice stories for myself.

I'm gonna go do that now. :D
P.S - Doesn't George look ADORABLE in the mood icon?!

I did something I told myself I would never do, and now I'm hiding it away from everyone... I'm scared someone will see and judge me, or think I'm someone different than who I really am. I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone and I don't want to, either. I'm happy now because of what I did, and that's all that matters.

Just had to get that off my chest.

• Apple juice / other tasty drink.
• Straighten hair.
• Physics problems.
• Sleep.
• Pre-Cal / Physics tutorials.
• School.
• Take Jeramy to Dad's.
• Tell Dad the plans. (Tater spending the night, etc.)
• Drive to Vandergrift, get Tater.
• Go downtown, drop off Jbles, get ticket.
• Wait in line for show, visit Kelsey.
• Have fun at show. (Yes, this is an order.)
• Take Corrie and Tater to Dad's.

And that is how tomorrow is going to be.

What is seventeen years old, never does anything interesting, has no friends, isn't really funny and smells bad? The corpse in my basement.

Ha ha. I meant me, but it's not very funny. Well I thought it was, but... you know.

So if you couldn't tell by my mood theme and frequent choice of music; I am obsessed with THE BEATLES! Greatest band ever, in my opinion. Yeah, yeah I've said that about how many bands now? I am amazed. I can't think of much else to say about them. Here's my top five favorite Beatles songs right now:

1.) I'm Looking Through You
2.) Help! (Single, I know... Rightly so!)
3.) Blackbird
4.) Girl
5.) Do You Want to Know a Secret?

Gee, just thinking about these makes me really happy. Anyway, I'm going to see Jemina Pearl tonight, and we're gonna be BFF's. It'll be wicked rad.

shit sucks lately. just thought i'd pop in on a sour note, whine about shit and go on.
but i realize i'm too lazy to even whine properly.
pretend i'm whining.
night.

So I'm sitting in my bed, just kind of thinking and I realize I miss Matt. ( I miss just being around him. )

Oh and PS, I'm wearing a Snuggie.

I need to type this up before I forget what happened. Zac's (Panic's security guard) was tweeting Brendon, and the two appeared to be in a spat. In Zac's last tweet, he left a number, claiming it was Brendon's phone number. I got VERY excited and texted it saying "Sucks dude. Inbox is gonna get flooded. XD Hello from Texas!" When I got a text back, I was (needless to say) EXTREMELY excited. Granted it only said "quien eres" (Spanish for 'who is this'), I still felt wicked rad for texting BRENDON URIE. I texted back "no comprende seneor" trying to be cute or something. I got my BFF Nicole to call the number and she told me it was voice mail. I called and got a Mexican man. Apparently, in my excitement, I typed in a wrong number and had been texting some Mexican dude. No text from Bden for me. So Nicole and I called the number and it turned out to be a SayNow account. We left an enthused and amusing message, in the hopes that someone from that glorious group of boys will reply to me.

They probably won't but we can always dream, and I dream the things that never were and I say "why not?" And from previous experience, there doesn't always have to be a "why not".